The art of listening is an extremely valuable skill to have. I believe this ability to listen effectively and empathetically has been grossly underrated. It is a silent, humble skill. It does not insist upon itself. However, I believe that mastering the art of listening is a vital attribute that will make you stand out at your job and will help deepen your relationships with those around you. To help you become better at listening, I will outline some important tips for you in this blog post.
Listening might seem like a passive activity, but that is far from the truth. Listening is an active skill that you can hone through practice. When someone is telling you something, it should not go in one ear and out of the other. To be an active listener you have to be actively engaged. Let the other person feel that you are listening, that you are there with them, and that you are interested. One of the worst things you can experience whilst you are speaking is the feeling that the other person is distracted, uninterested, or just not listening to you. So ask questions, show that you are listening through your body language, and react to what the other person is saying.
Imagine that someone is telling you a story, and whether you are interested or not, you want the speaker to feel that you are. A great way to do this is by asking questions. This shows that you want to know more. However, asking questions can be more difficult than it seems.
Questions based on technical facts can take the speaker out of their story, which is why you should be careful with them.Humans are meaning-making beings. We derive meaning and value from our experiences and our relationships with others. So, focus on experience and the other people in the story when you ask questions.
Another way to show that you are listening and that you are engaged is by reacting to what the person is saying. You can do this by commenting on what the speaker is saying, adjusting your body language, and by mirroring the emotions of the speaker.
Silence is a vital part of listening. As we have seen, speaking is a part of listening when you ask questions or make comments. But you are still the one listening, not the one speaking. Resist the urge to fill moments of silence in the conversation. Just let it be. In that pause, you can process what you have just heard. Maybe some questions pop up, now that you have some time to think. Maybe the speaker needs some time to think too.
A tip that is taught in empathetic listening is utilizing silence. After the speaker is done speaking, wait for five seconds before you say anything. This might feel awkward at first, but you will notice that the speaker will sometimes go on speaking. They were not done yet, but needed to gather their thoughts. If the speaker has not spoken for five seconds, you can end the conversation, introduce a new topic, or ask a question.
By letting silences be instead of filling them with noise, you are also showing that you are not in a hurry. This can take as long as it needs to. You are not using these silences to make a quick get-away or to change the topic. You are not interrupting the speaker, but letting them finish completely. You are showing that you are patiently waiting on the other person. I promise you, the speaker will notice this and be grateful.
If active listening is an under-valued skill, empathetic listening is even more so. We are busy. We have stuff to do and places to be, especially in the workplace. Besides, you are in a great mood. You don’t want someone’s sad story to bring you down. And isn’t everyone dealing with their own hardships?
There isn’t a time and place for empathetic listening. We are asked to use this skill all the time. You never know when someone may need you. Empathetic listening is extremely beneficial, not only to the speaker, but to you as well. If you are a great listener, your relationships with those around you will deepen, and those people will value you for this rare quality. So let’s look at some tips.
Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation when the other person just picks up their phone? Have you tried talking to a colleague while she is typing an email simultaneously? You feel like you might as well just stop in the middle of your sentence and walk away.You’ll probably be doing the other person a favour.
You want to avoid the speaker feeling like this.If you don’t have the time to listen to them, you can tell them in the same way you did when you did not have the energy. Tell them that this conversation is important and you do not want to rush it. Maybe you can meet them afterwork?
One contentious issue when it comes to listening pertains to the situation in which you have had a similar experience as the one the speaker is describing. For example, your friend tells you that her mother got diagnosed with cancer. You have lost a close family member to cancer as well. Does it help the speaker when you share that experience or should you not say anything about it? Here are some tips:
I have shown you some ways in which you can react(or should not react) when listening empathetically. In truth, it doesn’t really matter what you say. Tips and advice will probably not help. Sharing your own experiences will probably not help. Asking the right questions will probably not help. What this all comes down to is this - when someone is going through a difficult time, your reaction will not make much of a difference. So just listen to them. Be there, be present, and be silent. And if you don’t know what to say, that’s perfectly okay. Saying: “That is really heavy. I don’t know what to say right now” might be the best thing you can say.
There are far more tips and techniques with regards to listening out there. I hope that I have given you some tools to work with and that I have motivated you to learn more about this special skill.
